It happened at work. I was 41. I had dark jeans on that got darker when the urine burst forth from my bladder and soaked my legs, the standard-issue industrial chair I was assigned and my socks. My co-worker was a gal who has been a stand up comedian, a seasoned storyteller and is just an all-around hilarious person. Her quick-witted comeback about something I don’t even remember now prompted me to guffaw and I peed my pants at the same time.
And this was no ordinary bladder leakage that happens occasionally when you laugh: like, “oh, ooops, I leaked, tee hee.” This was a deluge of tsunami proportions that left me, my clothing, my underwear and that terrible chair, in an embryonic sack of piss.
How much bladder leakage is too much bladder leakage?
It happened in yoga class again about two months after that. I was transitioning from warrior two to half moon when I felt it. Remembering that pee was virtually germ-less, I watched the urine drop down to my mat. I put my foot in the small puddle to cover it up and prayed that my yoga shorts just looked sweatier than usual.
By the end of class, I managed to sop up all the namaste-ing my bladder leakage was doing without anyone noticing.
It happened at least 10 more times at varying speeds. Each time, bringing differing levels of surprise giggling, and new underwear. By the time it happened again about three months ago, it left behind a stain so big that not even an industrial chair could hide it. I wasn’t even embarrassed or surprised, but my coworkers who witnessed the downpour were.
Sigh. This had to end.
Hope for leaking pee?
After I told my friend about my ability to create Lake Michigan upon laughing or working out, she suggested I try kegels. I rebuffed and told her that I have been kegeling since I learned that the stronger the pelvic floor, the stronger the orgasm. But now, the workouts seemed to have failed me after the birth of my one and only child. After she declared that my pelvic floor would again be as strong as Serena Williams crushing her 10th grand slam, she presented to me, the Lovelife Krush.
The Lovelife Krush is a pink Bluetooth-enabled elongated peanut with a tail. It syncs up to the TASL app that you download onto your smartphone. Once you get over the fact that the Bluetooth technology is actually in the tail (hence its need to hang outside of your body when in use) and that your smartphone is going to be tracking your vagina strength, it’s time to stick that baby in and get to work.
The directions provided with the Lovelife Krush are fairly straightforward. Don’t be dismayed if your Bluetooth can’t find your Krush at first. You may have to trying turning the peanut on and off a couple of times, but I chalked this up as par for the course as with any type of Bluetooth- enabled technology.
Getting set up
You have the option to create a profile, so you can log in and chart your progress. I found this super helpful since I thought I was always doing kegels as hard as I could. Kind of like when you think that step aerobics is the hardest you’ve ever worked out and then you go to a crossfit class.
After you have the pink peanut inserted into your vagina and you’ve downloaded the app (note, you should probably download, then insert) it’s time to start training! You have a couple workouts to choose from depending on your goals or status. They are:
Start with the with the 1st timer. After you complete all the reps, your vagina will be tired. It’s kind of hard to explain, but you will actually feel sore. I took this as a good sign and imagined a high five with my pelvic floor. (Good job, girl!)
Visualizing the pelvic floor
Another highlight of the app is a visualization of your contraction. The Krush vibrates as your cue to squeeze. A meter on the app actually shows you how hard you are working.
After your workout, check out your dashboard to see your numbers. When I did this, I no longer questioned why I was peeing all the time. Damn, I remember thinking: I have some work ahead of me.
Also, the more I used this device, I could actually see how much stronger my contractions were getting. I also noticed how much more control I had over the contraction.
Another fun feature is that a coach’s voice talks you through the workout. You can choose from female or male. The female once sounds like that cool aunt you had growing up who took you to your first R rated movie. I stuck with that choice.
What’s next on the kegel horizon?
I used the Lovelife Krush for approximately 12 weeks consistently and I definitely noticed a difference. Although I’m not sure if I laughed as hard as I did when I experienced deluge number 2 or what I call, “The Great Wave of ‘18”, I have worked out and have noticed a lot less leakage. I realized at one point that I was no longer afraid to do some jumping jacks: Huge win here. The only thing I have to worry about now is having a quality sports bra.
I plan to continue to use Krush. Plus, now I’m excited to report that I can complete the Flow Control workout without stopping; I even noticed that my dashboard numbers have improved. The real test will be when I get hit with a dose of hilarity. Will I pee like Secretariat before the Kentucky Derby or will I be tight and dry like a brand new seafaring yacht? Time will only tell.
Until then, I’ll turn on some “Eye of the Tiger” and think of Rocky.