Dr.Shannon Chavez: Spring Clean Your Sex Life!
I’ve seen videos of people on social media, cleaning closets and pantries, Maybe clearing out old files and photos or organizing your desk. I suggest also cleaning up and rejuvenating your sex life!
It’s the perfect time to get a renewed sense of health and well-being. While we are all dealing with the stress from the pandemic in some way or shape, we now have more home time to reconnect. More than ever we need to de-stress and learn to enjoy the little things in life; Even more importantly, we should prioritize our sex. I’ve enjoyed the increase in sexual play with my partner since being at home the last few weeks. Sex has felt fun and relaxed: There’s nowhere to go. You can relax, build it up, take it slow, simmer in it, and even take the time to learn some new things.
Making Sex a Priority
Ironically, sex may go on the back burner during our day to day lives: busy schedules, energy levels, eagerness to make effort. Making sex a priority is something enjoyable and functional that provides comfort, play, and connection. To make sex a priority, do the thinking work first. How can we clean out the pressure around sex? Let go of the expectations or routine? Explore and expand on our personal values and beliefs? Have you made time, communicated what turns you on or what you want to try? How do you want to bring pleasure into your life? What do you consider important in your sexual and sensual pleasure?
Brush Up Your Communication & Intimacy
Making sex a priority is easier if we are able to address the above questions and communicate. Intimacy plays a huge part in our prioritization, with everyday issues & miscommunications contributing to a deficit in our connection. While a lack of sex doesn’t kill a relationship, a lack of intimacy may.
Communication is essential to bringing back intimacy into a relationship. It’s important to continue getting to know your partner, whether you’ve just started dating, are in a committed relationship, or a long-term couple. Tell each other what it is about each other that you’re grateful for, what you love about each other – and ask for help when you need it. Open and honest communication sets the grounds for feeling safe during sex, and being able to ask for what we want.
With good communication, we can re-establish our intimate needs. Have conversation about expectations you may have when it comes to sex, love, and intimacy. Maybe you want more romance but don’t know how to ask for it or assume your partner should know what makes you feel desired.
Tell your partner what makes you feel loved and desired. Show your partner what you like, and give positive feedback when your partner makes you feel special and cared for. Intimacy is about opening yourself up to a partner where you can experience authenticity and connection built on trust and deep caring and understanding. We build compassion and empathy towards our own needs and those of a partner through intimacy. We are wired for it!
Creativity in the Sheets
Creativity and sexuality are from the same power source. We can find ways to feel unique and different in our sexuality that can jump start motivation. After communicating with your partner, see where you can both explore new things as a team. Use this creative energy together, taking advantage of increased free time!
- Experiment with masturbation by incorporating new toys, lubricants, and CBD/THC products. I talk about tips in this article for InStyle.
- An erotic treasure hunt. Hide different clues in rooms of the house. Each clue can represent a sexual activity or request – kissing, striptease, or hand sex (I highly recommend Ashley Manta’s guide for ideas).
- Dress up in a costume or something that makes you feel good. Maybe that means being nude with great accessories. Put on a wig, experiment with your makeup, find different scents you can put on your skin like essential oils, perfume, or lotion. Dressing up allows us to use the imagination and feel turned on by the unknown, the new.
- Always have sex in bed? Shake it up! Try shower sex, different rooms of the house, incorporate furniture for positions, or buying sexual positioning tools.
Revamp Your Bedroom for Better Sex.
The bedroom is the most neglected room of the house. Consider eliminating distractions out of the bedroom including electronics, cell phones, papers, magazines, and anything related to work.
The bedroom should focus on being comfortable for two things – sex and sleep.
Transform your bedroom into a sex and sleep sanctuary that feels cozy and sexy. Updates, revamps, and makeovers will make your space feel more inviting and comfortable where you want to spend time. Think new bedding, new lighting, or some new sexy tools for the bedroom.
With a little bit of TLC, you can easily liven up your sex life this season…quarantine or not! At the very least, I hope this time in quarantine helps people find pleasure within, and also time to enjoy the moments that bring so much joy and energy. Remember to have FUN while taking the time to start fresh and experiment with renewed expressions of sexuality.
Shannon Chavez Qureshi, PsyD, CST is a nationally recognized expert, therapist, and educator specializing in “all things sexuality” including help for men, women, LGBTQIA, and couples; the treatment of sexual disorders; sex education for conservative religious and cultural groups; sexual trauma and abuse; and compulsive behaviors surrounding love, romance, and sex.
She is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist in California (PSY26924) and Arizona (PSY004290) with a private practice in Beverly Hills, California (SHAPE Center) where she works with individuals and couples (of all genders and orientations) to address sexual concerns and build sexual awareness through therapy, coaching, and education.