Being together for years can be wonderful and challenging all at once. But how do you keep that spark alive when it’s dwindled to barely a flicker? You want to grow old and grey together but not old and BORING together, right? Fortunately, author Joel Block offers some gems of wisdom in his indispensable Sex Over 50. Try these ten relationship tips to help build intimacy and get back to knowing, and touching, each other again.
Touch each other more frequently by just holding hands and giving hugs. Touch reaffirms an emotional connection to one another and can help us feel bonded and loved. Humans also have something called CT fibers (C-tactile afferent fibers) that respond to the temperature of the human body. So, touch more. Touch often.
Let them know
Agree to not make sexual frequency a control issue. Are you not having sex because you really don’t want to? Or are you getting your partner back for not pitching in at home? Once it becomes a pawn to play, your sexual experiences together become less about pleasure and connection.
Don’t expect your partner to gratify all of your sexual desires. Fantasize and indulge your sensuous nature. Think about other people (we’re giving you permission) or a Hollywood dreamboat, if that’s your thing. Letting your mind consider sexy situations allows you to put your brain in that mindset. Your partner then becomes the person who can help you act out the reality. Maybe reality will even become better than fantasy.
Be a self-starter
Don’t expect your partner to be responsible for turning you on. Ever feel sexy without it having anything to do with your partner? That’s OK! Your partner is not the beginning and end of your sexuality. In fact, your sexuality is YOUR OWN. Own it by taking the lead and show that you want it by masturbating or watching a sexy video. It could be that if you get things started on your own, they’ll be interested in joining in as well.
Speak your mind
Speak freely. Be specific about how often you feel desire, what it feels like to you and what initiates and enhances these feelings. This is really about open communication. You want to know what your partner likes and doesn’t like and you need to share that information as well!
Examine your issues. Do you have unexpressed resentment towards your partner? Unexpressed anger? Sometimes, one of the best relationship tips can be to know yourself a little better. Talk to a friend or schedule an appointment with a talk therapist.
Separate sex from romance. Romance can, but does not have to, be a prelude to sex. It can be and end in itself. Sometimes, maybe you just want to talk dirty, or you want to be objectified (it’s OK!). Sometimes, the most fun sex can be the kind that doesn’t involve romance at all!
Make a date
Make a non-demand sex date with your partner. You can be sexual without having intercourse or achieving orgasm. If we feel the pressure of having to perform sexually, we might get intimidated by it. If we just decide to make time for each other or have a simple date, we allow ourselves to relax. And who knows, after making a simple “date,” you might end up being in the mood for sex after all!
Move straight to arousal. You don’t have to feel desire to feel arousal. Besides getting things kicked into gear, you might find that after initiating arousal, you start to feel desire.
Set aside time
Set aside non-sexual, one-on-one time for each other. There’s no reason your time alone needs to only be occupied with lovin’. Try exercising together, playing a game (even chess) or setting up date nights.
Find Joel Block’s indispensable Sex Over 50 to help increase your intimacy at MedAmour! His and other books on relationship tips and intimacy are available with great suggestions on rekindling intimacy, romance and that spark you’ve been looking for.