Sexual Independence: A Sex Blogger’s Guide to Owning It

Confident woman declaring her sexual independence

“How are you so open?”

“Doesn’t it embarrass you to talk about sex?”

“That’s crazy you can ask for what you want.”

Out of the thousands of remarks I get as a sex blogger, these seem to be some of the most common themes. It’s completely valid, considering as a society, sexual independence isn’t a given.

As a cisgender, (mostly) straight woman, society tells me that I shouldn’t talk about sex. Saying I am sexual or enjoy sexuality puts me in a tough position on how I am viewed. Openly discussing my sexuality for the benefit of education and normalization in others seemed to be my biggest societal hurdle.

As I work hard to declare my sexual independence, how can I preach this to others?

What is Sexual Independence? 

Sexual independence means leaving old, limiting ways of thinking behind. It means owning our sexuality, pursuing our sexual health, and fearlessly communicating our pleasure and needs.

Since being sexually independent is subjective to the person, I would like to outline some key points that empower me to be sexually independent. 

Masturbation

Yes, masturbation. I said it, and I will say it 1,000 times if I have to. Masturbating is completely normal! Although many women are ashamed of it, masturbating as a woman has taught me to get familiar with my vulva. One of the most empowering practices I have adopted is looking at my vulva with a mirror and getting familiar with every part of myself. 

Using a mirror can be a great tool to figure out where your pleasure points are. Do you like clitoral stimulation? Penetration? Stimulation to the labia? Fortunately, you can safely discover this gift of pleasure right from the comfort of your own home. Enjoy taking your time, without the added pressure of a partner there.

Learning to masturbate and honor my pleasure was the most essential step in being confident with my sexuality. Not only has it made me vocal and proud of my sexuality, but it has set a new standard for me on how to communicate my pleasure with partners.

Start your path to sexual independence with the We-Vibe Discover Kit
The We-Vibe Discover Kit includes 10 toys, fun games and intimacy products.

If you’re new to masturbation, I would recommend trying the We-Vibe Discover Gift Box, which MedAmour has on sale right now! It includes 10 products to help you explore self pleasure or partnered play. My favorite item in the box is the We-Vibe Tango and Womanizer Starlet

Sexual Health

Sexual health is just as important as the rest of your health, and keeping up with it is a powerful step in your sexual independence. Ignoring our sexuality not only robs us of our pleasure, but makes it so we turn a blind eye to what our bodies may be telling us. Sexual health comes in two different forms for me:

Medical

Owning your sexuality means taking care of it. Make sure to have yearly check ups for your reproductive health. Schedule routines STD/STI checks, check on your hormones (which directly affect sexuality). Another good idea is to consult with a doctor on a contraception method that works best for you.

Continuous pain during sex isn’t normal, and it’s important you see a doctor for a proper diagnosis and treatment. Conditions that may cause sexual dysfunction, such as endometriosis, erectile dysfunction, and vaginismus, are all treatable. Without medical intervention, these conditions can make sexual empowerment feel scary and lonely. We are here for you! 

Pelvic Floor

Pelvic floor health is part of this, with many women not knowing about the resources they have available to them. Devices such as kegel balls can help with incontinence, while dilators can help ease vaginal pain.

Finding your sexual independence with devices such as these dilators
Dilators like these can help women who experience pain with penetration.

As always, it is essential to find a practitioner who listens to your concerns, and is attentive to your health and journey. Do your research!

Pleasure Products

As a person who is incredibly vocal about sexual health, I always preach using sexual health products and toys in the bedroom in order to enhance your experience. We can find sexual empowerment in knowing exactly what we need to make our sexual experiences more enjoyable.

Shown above: Womanizer Starlet and the Fun Factory Jam

The misconception that sex toys replace partners is outdated. Once again, this isn’t the case. About 70% of women do not reach orgasm from penetration alone. This means that clitoral stimulation is essential in reaching pleasure, along with not being afraid to ask for it. Of course, no toy can replace a human. Sex toys are simply tools to help us enjoy pleasure in new ways.

Lubrication

There is an old misconception that if you do not self lubricate enough, you must not be turned on. Even if I’m lubricating naturally, I still enjoy added lubrication for my sexual activities. Protecting my vulva and vagina from injury and pain, lubricant adds additional pleasure and sensation. Some really great lubricants to try are Sliquid Organics Natural, Sliquid Satin, and Uberlube (which all happen to be American made as well). These are great lubricants to use during intercourse, self pleasure, or even as great daily moisturizers. 

Communication 

Sexual independence can’t be complete without being confident in your ability to ask for what you want in pleasure. Do you communicate your needs to your partner? Have you shown them how to touch you, or what ways help you reach climax? Do you vocalize what doesn’t work for you and what you would like to modify? Have you asked THEM what they want or their interests? 

Not everyone can answer these questions with a yes, and that is okay! We can always improve our communication skills starting now. For example, on a recent sexcapade I asked my partner if we could get into my favorite position, and if he could manually stimulate me a certain way with his fingers. He appreciated my confidence, but it made our experience so positive knowing that we were both satisfied and enjoying ourselves. 

The days of no orgasms are gone!

It’s Your Turn

Now that I have shared some of my go-to methods, what can you implement starting today? Looking at your vulva, or buying a new toy for yourself? Whatever you decide to do, just know it’s a grand first step in your sexual empowerment and freedom.